Sexual Inexperience & Intimate Relationships


Sexual Inexperience & Intimate Relationships

A 2016 study published in the The Journal of Sex Research, discusses the “stigma toward sexually inexperienced adults” and describes how the development of intimate romantic relations is negatively affected by being a late bloomer when it comes to sex.

Back when our parents were dating, sex before marriage was definitely not the norm. Today if you are in your 20’s or 30’s it would be difficult to find a partner who has saved themselves for marriage.  Even though there is something fairytale-like and romantic in my mind about the idea of the virgin bride it just doesn’t seem realistic.

So the study goes on to explain that those who are “developmentally off-time with first coitus” or rather who have not yet had sex or who are not at the same level of sexual experience as their peers,  feel “stigmatized due to their inexperience” and that their level of experience related to how desirable they were to potential romantic partners.   For both experienced and inexperienced persons looking for an intimate partner, someone who knows what they are doing is apparently a more attractive mate than someone who is less experienced.

This is really interesting to me, as I have many clients who have either recently ended relationships, have started a new relationship and even ones who have saved themselves for marriage but at the last minute have decided to see a working girl with the express purpose of becoming more experienced.

I’m not sure how this really works out for them, especially for those that only have one or two encounters, but when I am asked “Am I good in bed”, its a really hard question to answer.  So what I say is that every girl is different.  The sexual activities, positions, and routines that one person enjoys are likely to be very different from another person.  What is great for one person might be annoying and off-putting for another.  You only have to look at the variety of fantasies and fetish porn available on the internet to realise how very diverse sexual motivation and sexual gratification can be.

So how do you “Get good in bed”? Seeing an escort is a great way to have your ego and other things stroked, it may improve your confidence to try new things,  or be an outlet for sexual frustration.  But I think the real answer to this is learning how to be a good sexual communicator.  Being able to talk to your partner about your boundaries, desires and what you are enjoying, and being open to an understanding of the differences you may have.  And sometimes you are just sexually incompatible and need to either move on or find another way to ensure you and your partner can each have your needs met – Whatever that looks like.

Amanda N. Gesselman, Gregory D. Webster & Justin R. Garcia (2016) Has Virginity Lost Its Virtue? Relationship Stigma Associated With Being a Sexually Inexperienced Adult, The Journal of Sex Research, 54:2, 202-213, DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2016.1144042